The signs of postpartum depression are easy to miss because the most common one sounds like nothing at all: “I’m fine.” Suzanne Yatim Aslam said those two words to her husband for months after their son was born, while privately drowning and, for a while, blaming the baby for ruining her life. Her husband had no idea. She never asked for help. In this conversation, part of Front Row Dads’ New Dad Week, she tells dads exactly what postpartum depression looked like from the inside, and what she needed someone to do instead of just asking if she was okay.

“I’m fine” is the most dangerous sentence in the house

Suzanne answered honestly for months, and the honest answer was never fine. The problem wasn’t that her husband didn’t ask. It’s that “are you okay” is easy to answer with a reflex instead of the truth, and most men take the first answer they get. She needed someone to notice the gap between what she was saying and how she was actually doing, and to stay in the question instead of accepting the first no.

Depression lies

Suzanne describes what was happening to her in a single line worth sitting with:

“Depression is its own character in your brain, and it tells you lies.”

For a stretch after her son was born, that character convinced her the baby had ruined her life. She’s candid that this is the part almost nobody says out loud, and it’s exactly why it needs saying: the thought isn’t a verdict on her as a mother, it’s a symptom, and naming it as a separate voice in her head was part of how she got distance from it.

What not to say

Two phrases came up as the ones that land worst, however well-meant. “Enjoy it, it goes so fast” and “at least he’s healthy” both tell a struggling mother that her feelings aren’t the priority right now, someone else’s perspective is. Suzanne heard both constantly. Neither helped.

The four-word question that actually helps

Instead of trying to fix the feeling or talk her out of it, Suzanne says the more useful move is asking one direct question: fix it or feel it? Some moments she needed a solution. Most of the time she just needed her husband to sit in it with her without trying to make it go away. Knowing which one she needed, and asking instead of assuming, changed what support actually looked like in their house.

What actually helped her recover

Recovery came through a handful of unglamorous systems: solo days away from the baby, therapy, and a daily mid-day break that was hers alone. None of it was dramatic. All of it required her husband to advocate for her when she couldn’t yet advocate for herself, since asking for help was part of what the depression made hard to do.

Listen to Suzanne’s full conversation at frontrowdads.com/341. This episode is part of New Dad Week, five short episodes for expecting dads and dads in the first year. Grab the free field guide, with the main points from every episode plus prompts you can use, at frontrowdads.com/newdad.

This episode discusses depression and mental health honestly. If you or your partner are struggling, please talk to a doctor or a therapist. In the US, you can call or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, and Postpartum Support International is at 1-800-944-4773.