You’re the Bow, Not the Arrow: How He Sees His Job as a Dad

Ask young fathers how to raise great kids and you get 72 steps. Ask the old guys and you get two words: just love them. David Osborn, who has built companies, written books, and raised kids around the world, answers with a line from Rumi: you are not the arrow, nor the archer, you’re the bow. His job, as he sees it, is to hold steady and provide a safe structure his kids can be exposed to. Where they end up going is not his to control. That framing is what lets him keep loving his 15-year-old daughter Bella even when she walks in and looks at him like he’s annoying.

The Rumi Line That Reframed His Fatherhood

“You are not the arrow nor the archer. You’re the bow. So your job, my job, as I view it, is to provide a safe structure, a structure where my kids have opportunity to be exposed to things.”

Osborn isn’t the arrow and he isn’t the archer aiming it. He’s the bow: steady, present, and not in control of exactly where his kids land. His only job is to keep exposing them to things and stay in the relationship, whatever direction they end up going.

“Every Time You Walk In the Room, It Lightens My Heart”

Bella looking at him like he’s annoying happens a lot now, and Osborn admits it hurts his feelings a little. His strategy isn’t to back off. It’s to keep saying the quiet part out loud and keep hugging her anyway.

“I’ll just say to her, every time you walk in the room, it just lightens my heart… She started to come around a little. I don’t think it’s coming around from a point of view of like, because I’ve been so good at loving her. I think she’s kind of like, he keeps trying.”

The Old Guys’ Advice: Just Love Them

Osborn is candid that he can’t fully relate to what his daughter is navigating: the social pressure, the constant comparison, a childhood nothing like his own go-hard, don’t-cry upbringing. He catches himself walking into her room in “critical mode” and has to consciously choose not to. The advice he keeps coming back to isn’t a system. It’s two words, from men further down the road than him: just love them.

Loving His Wife Where the Kids Can See It

Asked to picture his family years from now, Osborn doesn’t start with achievements. He starts with loving Bella hard through whatever she’s going through, keeping his son Luke exposed to new experiences, and doing the harder work of staying in love with his wife, visibly, as the example his kids grow up watching.

“Loving Bella hard through whatever she’s going through and wherever she ends up going with her life… she’s 15, almost 16, 17, 18. You do the math. That’s two years and three months.”

Listen to the full conversation, “Unlocking Adventure, Fatherhood, and a Life of Purpose with David Osborn,” here. For the full list of books this community keeps recommending, click here. Want a taste of what Front Row Dads is actually like? Join a free 60-minute Brotherhood Experience on Zoom here.