Love, Security, and Self-Esteem with Chris Yonker

How can we teach our kids respect, responsibility, resilience and compassion?

Where are we as Dads solving problems for our kids, where they should be handling things on their own?

Would it help all of us to love more, and think less?

In this conversation with Chris Yonker, we’re digging into these questions and more.

A bit about my guest this week…

Chris is a father, husband, martial artist, and world-leading expert in Vision creation.

Family has always been a top priority for Chris and he knew from early on that he wanted to be the creator of his life, build a business that worked FOR him, allowed him to create amazing experiences for his family, and help others do the same.

He and his team work with companies (big and small) including family businesses as well as high achievers like executives, entrepreneurs, athletes, and celebrities.

Chris helps people gain clarity in four different aspects of their life: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional.

As a seventh-degree black belt and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Practitioner, and the practical strategies that derive from his 21 years of experience of leading a sales team with a Fortune 500 company, Chris helps others live a Life by Design, Not by Default™.

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Read The Transcript

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[00:00:00] Chris Yonker: I don’t know a way to replace time with a child that’s consciously present, right? That you’re in the moment. You’re here now, be here now, maybe a mantra for a dad. You could be here now more often with your wife. Be here right now more often with your child. How much more connected could you be?

[00:00:19] Jon Vroman: All right Chris Yonker, welcome to Front Row Dads, man. Good to have you here.

[00:00:23] Chris Yonker: Thank you for having me.

[00:00:25] Jon Vroman: So, you were just talking about your book, Soul Intention An Executives Guide to Building a Life by Choice, Not by Chance. And I was about to ask you a question and I thought this is a perfect one to lead off with the podcast. This is, why the book? What led you to that place to write a book? Was it pain? Was it purpose? Was it all the above?

[00:00:44] Chris Yonker: Yeah. So, so a lot of folks, first, I believe in paradigms, right? We run our lives based upon what our philosophy is on, who we believe we are, who we believe about our roles. What do we believe about life and how life is. And I think what, and I don’t think I know when what’s happening is, is that there’s, because it’s has like three different models. There’s this model of I live in this world and I have no control and shit just happens and I’m along for the ride. Then I’d lose a line of paradigm and a language that goes with that, right, in the story. Then there’s the one of like, I’m king in the world, I am God, I make everything happen. And that’s that. And then there’s a third philosophy of like, well, there’s things I can’t control, but I also have choice and I have responsibilities as a human being, so I can actually navigate this accordingly. And, and so for me, what it came down to, is I saw so many people that ended up buying into their stories so much and we can more get into parenting and that’s one that boy, oh boy, mean even that I’ll use it, I’ll go right there is an illustration. We’re a late bloomers in the parenting realm. So our daughter’s four and a half right now and I’m almost 50 years old. So, you start talking about something, right, okay. That people have experiences with. Everyone has experienced with parenting. I don’t know where the hell they went to school, but they know, you know, I both know where that is and everyone has rigid philosophy and what it means to be a parent and what your life’s gonna look like as a parent.

[00:02:16] Chris Yonker: And the things like that come up with my life at times, really quite frankly, can piss me off because people project their experience on other people and then other people buy into it. And this becomes this, this rapid consciousness of how things have to be. Right? And quite frankly, I believe that if you have clarity in what your, your vision is and what your outcomes are, you can develop mindset and then this eventually strategy to create that as a reality. Right?

[00:02:44] Jon Vroman: Yup.

[00:02:45] Chris Yonker: And as I, you know, look at my work, so I had this client that I was working with, I have actually a few like this are succession project. So we’re working with a family owned business. Someone wants to move. How that move ownerships on someone else in the family, put other people in other seats. That type of thing. Anytime you come into family, automatically you’re dealing with the dysfunction of a family.

[00:03:08] Chris Yonker: You get the business function and then you’ve got the family dysfunction. And I dig it because it’s, uh, I’d like to get into that, uh, because it was all created over time. Like the family wasn’t born that way, right? Like the philosophies in the family get programmed and conditioned in and needless to say I’m working with the CEO and it constantly had challenges in relationship to getting wait, we’d get a strategy, uh, like, okay, here’s what we’re going to do, how we’re gonna optimize a business, how we’re going to move them from this role. We made some mindset ships and then he screwed up like it get involved. It get in the weeds and he jacked things up and it’s like, I’m like, what is going on here? So I ended up having a conversation with them and I asked him, what do you, May I ask you a question? What do you believe about success? What has to happen for that to occur? And he said, well, you pay the price, you suffer and then you breakthrough. And I’m like, whoa. So you like happy to like suffer to have success, you said? Yeah. I’m like, what if that wasn’t always the case? Oh, I wouldn’t know that. I, that’s how I’ve always created my success. I’m like, whoa, dude, this is crazy. I’m like, okay, get it. Like, so you’ve created this strategy call. I suffer because by it also acquainted, the other thing he anchored was, is that in order for me to feel that I had that I deserve the benefits, I had to pay the price and whatever that pay the price is. And if I don’t pay the price, then it’s not, you know, I don’t, I’m not worthy of whatever it is.

[00:04:45] Chris Yonker: So I’m, I need to find a way to suffer and make this difficult. So I’ll sabotage it and jack this shit up and make it complicated even though it doesn’t need to be.

[00:04:52] Jon Vroman: Yup.

[00:04:52] Chris Yonker: This can be a constant pattern because especially you know for, I think sometimes for guys is like, I want to be the man. I want to, uh, I want to lead the family. Uh, I want to make, maybe sometimes it’s fair, I want to be the bread winner, whatever that might be. And in order to do that, I’ve got to do X, Y, and Z. And that is what it is. And so what ends up happening, quite frankly, in other side, I’ve had several engagements where I started working, coaching the CEO one-on-one, then I started working with their executive team. And then if their kids aren’t even in the business, I get, they hire me to work with their kids. And I’ve done several of those. And it’s really fascinating because I’m like, this is awesome. I get to help the kid. I get the help the dad or the mom. Sometimes I’m working with all three, multiple and I’m like in a laboratory of what I can learn about being a better parent so I can apply this back to my own life. Right? And then also I can help other people maybe that aren’t, are at a different place in regards to, you know, their kids, not 24 years old living at home and doing whatever. Right? I’m not saying that’s bad. So I was living at home, but there is a certainly certain things that happened that one, that parent or that CEO built their company, they created a situation or they did not set that kid up nest for success with the right foundation. And then so I started unlocking what those elements were.

[00:06:22] Chris Yonker: And so by the time I got ready to become a parent, the benefit for us anyway, I’m not saying like, you know, you can become bulletproof, right? Like it’s not as it were raised, you’re raising a human being. That has their own choice, right? And so they’re, they’re going to navigate accordingly anyway. But by age seven, you will program in there their beliefs about themselves, the beliefs about their world, beliefs about how things work and don’t work, their values. That stuff’s gonna be a locked down. And if you’re not around because you’re busy providing for the family and you’re not there to help. You know, I don’t know how to freaking replace time. And I’ve had people tell me like, well, [inaudible], you know, get your business to this level. We’ve made conscious decisions, Joie and I have with our businesses in relationship to like, I’m okay, there’s a level we want to live at and we’re growing, but still I know I could and there are times I could be doing more consciously choose not to. Not too! Because I want to wake up with my daughter every day. I take her to school every day. Some days I pick her up some nights where Jellys are running her business. I’m a, I take Tuesday nights. She does Mondays cause I teach karate on Mondays. But like, I love that, right? It’s about integration and the one of the paradigms that came up with parenting was like, oh, you’re just sleep now. Oh, your life is over. Oh, get your travel in. You’re not gonna travel anymore. Oh you can go out to dinner when you’re done. I’m like piss on that. We’re going to go out to dinner. We’re going to travel like right away. We just, we integrated grace into our lives and she’s, you know, even today, like we go to wine bars, places you’d never see kids. People can’t believe all that. I’m like, yeah, because we, well, we set it up, you know, intentionally that way. We wanted to integrate her into our lives. So,

[00:08:08] Jon Vroman: Hi Jack,

[00:08:08] Chris Yonker: [inaudible] this thing for a second there. Didn’t I?

[00:08:10] Jon Vroman: You have a four and a half year old daughter.

[00:08:12] Chris Yonker: Yeah.

[00:08:13] Jon Vroman: How long have you been married?

[00:08:14] Chris Yonker: I’ve been married for 23 years. 24 years in, uh, this fall we’ve been together for 29.

[00:08:21] Jon Vroman: Yeah. Wow, man. Congratulations! That’s uh, yeah, and I say that, you know, I was just doing, I was like, why do people say congratulations? [inaudible] And it’s like, well, after 10 years of being married, I can, it’s a very difficult thing. You know, it can be a very difficult thing. In fact, I was on a walk the other day with a buddy and have we brought, we were just talking about the fact that even if we took our best friend in the world and we had to live with them 24 seven, [inaudible] we’d gonna be angry at them a lot of times, you know it, even your best friend in the whole world, it’s like, yeah, that person would probably get on my nerves. So anyway, here’s why I want to, 23 years married, four and a half year old daughter. You mentioned something earlier about, Hey, the work you do allows you this, uh, almost like an incubator for ideas about how parenting works or does it work and then it affects your life at home. [inaudible] What have you taken directly from work that you feel in your four and a half years of being a dad have been effective? You mentioned a couple of them.

[00:09:21] Chris Yonker: Yeah. Well
[00:09:22] Jon Vroman: we’ll use, [inaudible]

[00:09:23] Chris Yonker: Right? Yeah. So one of things that we did is when we decided to be parents and we knew were we’re going to have a kid, we did is we created what is the ideal model of the world for our daughter. So like what is, what do we want her to believe about life, about love, about people and well, we listed them out and then also we got really clear on what’s the role of a parent. And so I started studying it, I’m a, I’m a huge student, uh, as I’m sure I know you are and a lot of probably a lot of listeners, and I realize like parenting is really about just helping aid independence and another human being, right? So we, we got really clear on that. So that’s our good job day in and day out. Our job is to create independence. We have this timeline from zero to 18, and as time goes on and trying to create more and more autonomy, so I became more conscious of where am I doing it? Not doing that, right? Like, where am I not giving her enough autonomy that I should be because it pays. They grow so fast. You’re like, you know, oh, wait a minute. I don’t have to wipe your rear end anymore. Like, why am I still doing it? Oh, because you’re letting me, uh! got it! [laughing].

[00:10:35] Jon Vroman: Right, right.

[00:09:21] Chris Yonker: You know that? So being aware of what you’re, what’s parenting is about. It’s a good frame that we integrated. The other thing was like, what are the components that we really want to build? We want to build respect, responsibility, resilience, and compassion are the four tenants that we have. I mean, I memorized them because

[00:10:52] Jon Vroman: Say that thing again.

[00:10:53] Chris Yonker: It’ part of our frame. So respect, we want respect for self, respect others. Responsibility. I own everything. If I can’t accept responsibility, then I have to be a victim. Otherwise. Then what’s the other side of that? So that’s a huge frame, right? Self-responsibility for my thinking, my actions, and how I feel that, what my response to stuff that happens that may or may not like, right? Those are places I can accept responsibility. Resilience, dude, this was, this is a big one right now, where I’m seeing with folks with, may know this is probably one of the top over the four. This is the top one, for [inaudible] executives, entrepreneurs, people running business. This is the one that I see that there’s the biggest issue and what happens is this folks that build businesses, why my clients are successful, very successful entrepreneurs and celebrities as well Celebrities. And what I found is, is they just, you know, you’re living in a different lifestyle and you have the means. So your kid basically kind of gets what you got and gets to live along the ride and that’s cool, but it’s not cool because your kid never had an experience of overcoming problems, [inaudible] because you fixed them all the fricking time. [inaudible] and the only way that I found to create resilience and another human being is to allow them to have the experience to overcome a fricking problem.

[00:12:21] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:12:22] Chris Yonker: And I think what, in a one question that I, I know the folks are lists they might want to write down is like, where am I solving my kids’ problems that maybe because we are guys that like to fix it, right? That’s part of our problem is problems in our marriages at times because, you know, Jelly and I were out the other night. And uh, she was telling me something and I’m like, I’ve been married as long as I have and I read, men are from Mars, women are from Venus Probably 15, 20 years ago. But still, I forget at times, oh wait! I’m not supposed to fix this. [inaudible] I’m supposed to listen and now I listen, but listen, you know, and just be engaged and listen and not try to fix that. And it got times with my daughter or you know, with the kid, I can see the same thing for a guy, you know, trying to do that. So I would recommend that like, hey, ask yourself, where am I stepping in and solving a problem where, you know, I had a client that he told me, one of his friends who made quite a bit of money on a, on an exit, he realized he kind of built a little bit of non-resilience in his kids. They went traveled international and if he set it up, the kid be kind of safe but still he let him, the kid went to one place and then he told he wanted the kid to meet him somewhere else and the kid got to have to figure it out.

[00:13:37] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:13:38] Chris Yonker: So, he gave this kid his experience of traveling internationally and having to overcome obstacles and problems and they made an adventure out of it. But think about what ,you know, that kid got out of the experience, right?

[00:13:49] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:13:38] Chris Yonker: It’s tough because you love your kids so much. Hard to watch a child be in pain so to speak. But we have to understand that, if they don’t have the experience of overcoming like you and I could go on and on all day long about ourselves and people we know that had challenging painful experiences growing up or even in adulthood and it sucked for today we’re thankful because it actually created some part of who we are.

[00:14:19] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:14:20] Chris Yonker: That allows us to contribute further to the world. Right?

[00:14:19] Jon Vroman: On that note, what experience did you have as a kid that sucked that you had to figure out how to get through?

[00:14:31] Chris Yonker: Yeah.

[00:14:32] Jon Vroman: One experience you’re extremely grateful for today.

[00:14:35] Chris Yonker: Yeah. I have a few. One in particular was, so when you have a child, love, security and self-esteem are three primary human needs. Tony Robbins breaks it down to six but you look at these three components, right? I’ve got to love myself. I want to be secure in who I am, and in knowing that and you know and own myself, but also I like to secure my place in the world. So, and what I find is that Love, Security and Self-Esteem, these three tenants typically with this function, that’s where it comes from. Right? If I don’t love myself enough, then now I got to do things for you so you’ll be my friend. Right? So I can feel good about myself. Right? So I’m gonna be extrinsically wired myself that way. And so, I was wired with what my low self-esteem was probably a three self-love, probably a three. My mom is extremely rigid. She grew up in a rigid environment also. She didn’t know otherwise. She was one of five, uh, her parents were enlisted for World War II. So that like militaristic kind of environment got programmed into the household. And on top of that some of the family was not really good at expressing love. So my mom’s philosophy was like, and I’m thankful for it, but she was extremely disciplinary. So level like you know, I’d be outside and I hadn’t closed my closet and my bedroom and she’d screaming and had me come inside, shut my closet cause I wasn’t in order. [inaudible] Okay. So what ended up happening was, is I really didn’t believe myself.

[00:15:57] Chris Yonker: I didn’t have any frame to at all. I mean, if nothing else, like if you think you’re special, you’re not, was more of the philosophy in the household then you know, anything else. So I got to this point where I became a massive magnets to bullies. I mean, I was just a magnet to them and I was an easy person to pick on. And so, I got my ass beaten over and over and it shocked me. I was like fearful. It was like being a kid can be really fricking tough. Right. And kids can be mean, they can be, the other kids can be assholes.

[00:16:30] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:16:30] Chris Yonker: And it just, [inaudible]

[00:16:32] Jon Vroman: [laughing]. I noticed.

[00:16:35] Chris Yonker: Yeah. You had the same experience?

[00:16:32] Jon Vroman: Similar.

[00:16:37] Chris Yonker: Yeah. Right on. So I’m like, I had this drive like, alright, I don’t know where it came from, but maybe from God, it was like, Chris, come be a martial artist, at least you can like commit, like no one’s gonna kick your ass anymore. So I studied a couple different things. And then finally

[00:16:55] Jon Vroman: [inaudible] at this point?

[00:16:57] Chris Yonker: uh, well I started like, there’s something like for 10 for a stint and then probably like around 12 for a stint. And then at 15 it stuck, uh, when I was 15, when I was in high school and that’s when it was at bowling was really got to get to the worst. I started studying a martial art called Sanchin-Ryu Karate, which is, it’s an Okinawan based style founded the United States. And so, uh, I started studying it right. And I’ve loved it and I got really absorbed in it and that caused me to create a new experience. So I eventually got to a point where, uh, well now I’m in college, I got my black belt and now I’m like, all right, like, I’m wearing something that says that I can do something and accomplish something that I’m actually not worth shit and I can do something about it.

[00:17:43] Chris Yonker: And I also found a coach or a kind of a guy was kind of a therapist coach in college who helped me realize some of this do that I, told a lot of lies about who I was. And so this created, this transformation, and I had this new experience that, well maybe as soon as you started doubting what you believe, right, you can doubt it, then you can create a new frame because it makes it, it’s weakened it, right? And so I had a new experience that weakened the frame and then that was for me that was a huge, like where shit went wrong and I would never change it as much. I could even tell you people’s names that beat my ass. And probably in a college time I had a little chip on my shoulder. I even thought about going back to reunions, you know, having conversations and I, I grew out of that fortunately. But it was a, yeah, it was interesting.

[00:18:32] Jon Vroman: Yeah, man. How was your relationship with your mom and dad as a kid? How is it now you, you told us?

[00:18:38] Chris Yonker: Yeah, that’s a good question. It’s great now. Uh, but it definitely, um, we just, we are in different places, different times and they can, and college and then in my, through my twenties and thirties, it was a bit fractured and it got rebuilt over the last 10 years. Quite a bit. Yeah. Quite amazingly. Now…

[00:19:00] Jon Vroman: With both your…

[00:19:00] Chris Yonker: Highlight of my day, yeah. Highlight of my day one of the highlights of my day is I call my mom every day. They live in Michigan every day I call her.

[00:19:07] Jon Vroman: Wow, man. It’s incredible.

[00:19:08] Chris Yonker: No matter what. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we don’t, sometimes we talk for half an hour, sometimes we talk for 10 minutes, but every day. And then Grayson is here obviously and they’re in Michigan. So we based time quite a bit. Technology is so bad ass.

[00:19:18] Chris Yonker: I mean, it makes it so easy for a kid to have like a better personal experience and we still get back. We have a second home in Michigan, so we still get back there a few times a year. But regardless, it helps build that bridge. Right?

[00:19:31] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:19:32] Chris Yonker: Because you know as well as I do, grandparents aren’t gonna be around forever.

[00:19:35] Jon Vroman: Yeah, that’s…

[00:19:35] Chris Yonker: Right? Yeah. That’s a fact.

[00:19:35] Jon Vroman: I started laughing inside when you said, you know, technology is so bad ass, like it allows us to connect and I just had this vision of trying to Skype or facetime with my parents in Virginia.

[00:19:50] Chris Yonker: Oh really?

[00:19:51] Jon Vroman: And, they live in the country and their Internet’s not fast [inaudible] every time. It’s a total disaster it’s like. [inaudible]

[00:19:58] Chris Yonker: Yeah Indeed. And that, this is mostly my parents. So there were on facetime like this, this is how they’re on facetime.

[00:20:04] Jon Vroman: Yeah. [laughing]

[00:20:06] Chris Yonker: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Well like you’re not in the frame Mom and she was like in there like you know like this.

[00:20:11] Jon Vroman: Yeah. Yeah. [inaudible]

[00:20:06] Chris Yonker: [inaudible] Yeah technology is so, it’s so funny, I was like. [inaudible]. I told Jolly, let it go, just let it go. [inaudible] it’s okay. The hammering interaction that can take race in it is what it is, man. [inaudible].

[00:20:22] Jon Vroman: So, yeah. And I laugh because we texted my mom and we’ll like copy her on stuff. So I’ll send a picture too. I’ll send something to my mom and my sister and my mom will respond just to me and my sister calls me or she’ll, and then she’ll ask me for the reply. She’s like, can you send me mom’s reply cause she can’t figure out how to reply to all on text? [laughing]

[00:20:41] Chris Yonker: Yeah, Right. [inaudible]

[00:20:43] Jon Vroman: It’s really cool, man. Tell me about your relationship with your dad and they’re still married, your mom and dad?

[00:20:49] Chris Yonker: Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. My relationship with my dad is good when I was a kid, so I was an only child.

[00:20:54] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:20:54] Chris Yonker: So, he is my friend. I mean that’s kind of how it was. Like he was kinda like, he wore both hats. I think there’s probably times I probably could have used more of the dad role.

[00:21:04] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:21:04] Chris Yonker: While my mom is such a heavy hardcore disciplinarian. I think he was trying to buffer it. Buffer for the situation quite a bit.

[00:21:09] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:21:10] Chris Yonker: But,regardless, it was that challenge I ran into is that you know obviously he was married to her. So your parents, you know, we’re modeling, our kids they’ve experience of how couples get along.

[00:21:20] Jon Vroman: Yeah.
[00:21:21] Chris Yonker: Right? So like if we fight all the time with our spouses and yell and scream at each other, then that’s a kid’s philosophy of how couples love each other to a degree of person experience. As a kid, we don’t think about this.

[00:21:32] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:21:33] Chris Yonker: I’m just saying you don’t, but people don’t. And so there, there were times when my dad, we do have a great relationship, but there are times that I’ve realized that I would like either wish that he handled my mom differently or stand up for me differently or whatever. But it is what it is. Like everyone I think with a good thing for everyone I understand is like everyone’s doing the best they can, with the resources they have available and that the thunder line resources, right? Some people have lower level of consciousness, some people have a lower level of education, people have lower level of experience and people are just rooted in their paradigms and are willing to change. It kinda is what it is. Like you can’t change someone else. But I think there’s a lot that I got from my parents and on both sides of the equation, right on the upside and on the downside.

[00:22:19] [sound]

[00:21:32] Jon Vroman: Hey! Guys I want to take a second to tell you about our Front Row Dads Retreat. If you would value connecting with a brotherhood of like-minded and like-hearted guys who want to deepen their sense of purpose and meaning as fathers and within their families and to talk about and share the best practices and the strategies for ultimate family success then this event might be for you if you’d value being around high performing guys without the big egos? Guys that believe in being family men with businesses and not businessmen with families. You might enjoy our Front Row Dads Retreat twice a year. We’re getting together in person, small groups, cool locations, guest experts and so much more for these events. We’ve now done this multiple times. It has sold out every single time and if you’re excited about it, make sure to check it out at frontrowdads.com where you can apply for the next retreat. Now, hey! one of the things you might be wondering is, does leaving my family make me a better dad or husband? The answer is for many of you, I know you travel a bunch, you do other things and the idea for this one is you have to retreat to advance. You have to take a step back to gain the perspective so that we can go back and crush it within our families. This is the same concept that works in business where you take a moment, you think, you plan, you strategize, you work on your family so that you can be better in your family. If that all sounds good, check it out. Frontrowdads.com

[00:23:39] [sound]

[00:23:41] Jon Vroman: Chris, I love what you said about this idea of people are doing the best they can with what they have. Right. A concept that I’ve heard people talk about before many times, but what I appreciate about what you articulated there, which was different than at anybody else that I’ve heard talk about that you really dialed in on the resources part, right? You know you don’t know their education. You don’t know what experiences they’ve had in life. You don’t know what their blueprint of the world would be, and when I think back on times where I’ve been really judgmental of people and then I learned a little bit more about their life, I became less judgmental. I think about a conversation I just had with my wife about, you know, we were at a couples retreat and one of the questions was tell me something that you want me to understand but you don’t think I understand. It’s a very powerful question, right?

[00:24:29] Chris Yonker: Very much!

[00:24:30] Jon Vroman: And so my wife said to me, she goes, I don’t think you really understand my upbringing in life. Like I know you knew I grew up in Russia, I grew up…

[00:24:38] Chris Yonker: Yeah.

[00:24:38] Jon Vroman: in Siberia, in Soviet Russia, but not sure you truly understand like how that impacted my life about how I am now and today. So I think she’s right. Like I understand high level, some of the things she shared, I’ve been to her hometown and cross Nairo to Siberia like I or we got married there. Like, I understand on some level, but I truly don’t understand all the experiences that she had. And even though we heard about you being bullied, I don’t think we truly understand that because we didn’t live through it. So there has to be a little bit of trusting that people are doing the best they can with what they have because that’s the decision they’ve made that it’s like, you know, that you have to believe that. Right.

[00:25:18] Chris Yonker: Right.

[00:25:19] Jon Vroman: And you mentioned Tony Robbins earlier. I did a lot of Tony Events and Tony Talks about, look, people want power. They often just go, we all want power, right? Kids want power. We just, all, a lot of us go after it in different ways.

[00:25:31] Jon Vroman: Some in healthier ways than others we would argue. So I think that’s a really good thing to contemplate. Chris, let’s switch gears a little bit here and talk about, you know, as a, as a coach, would you consider yourself a coach? Like if I say that like.

[00:25:44] Chris Yonker: Uh, yes, I wear that hat, I wear the hat of the life coach, I wear the hat of an executive coach, I wear the hat as a consultant so I get into strategy in business operations and we have people on our team that, uh, you know, a line up on that. So, but yeah, I hope we both saw problems and transition. Basically, you know, typically, typically come to me when they’re facing some type of transition in their lives personally and or professionally.

[00:26:07] Jon Vroman: So speak to that concept a little bit then like when it comes to solving problems, you know, there’s actually, I see a theme emerging here of the show. You talked about it earlier with kids, right? Like allowing them to solve their own problems. You help people solve problems.

[00:26:20] Chris Yonker: Yeah.

[00:26:21] Jon Vroman: I would imagine that like questions you asked [inaudible] and you helping people craft questions.

[00:26:27] Chris Yonker: Right.

[00:26:28] Jon Vroman: …to solve problems.

[00:26:29] Chris Yonker: Yeah. So, think about it this way. If I’m stuck somewhere, then that means I want an outcome I don’t got, [inaudible] otherwise I wouldn’t be stuck. Right? And you know from, from your experience with Tony, because he’s an NLP and I am an NLP guy. In fact, I train with someone that trained him when he was building personal power.

[00:26:48] Jon Vroman: Who’s that?

[00:26:49] Chris Yonker: Um, Wyatt Woodsmall, he worked with Bandler and the guys that founded NLP.

[00:26:53] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:26:53] Chris Yonker: So you’ll find him removing weight right away plus your, pain, right? There’s two different levels of motivation, right? So I want outcomes. Right? And some of the people want outcomes. I had someone come to me recently as a celebrity who has created an amazing lifestyle, right? And hates their lives. And we got into like, why are you doing this? Like, what’s this about? It’s interesting when you, especially when you, something that somebody spoke to operate with a different name, um, and you know that the public name and the first into other name and what not, it’s like sometimes our identity ships off of that. Right? So who am I in it? The reason I bring that up is because even as a father, we have a role too. So if you think, what’s the process of what you’re asking? What’s the process? The process is I gotta get clarity on what I want and what I don’t want, but at a for level that’s tied to my true, not tied because essentially what I had sometimes what we think we want we really don’t fricking want it, but we’ve programmed ourselves to believe that we want it based upon what other people think, right?

[00:27:53] Jon Vroman: Correct.

[00:27:53] Chris Yonker: Number one thing that people end up on their death bed saying that like I wish I made more decisions to honor my own truth and what I wanted instead of worrying about other people think or how they would respond to what I wanted.

[00:28:03] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:28:04] Chris Yonker: Right? So like that, that’s the number one people’s things that’s been documented. The people’s death bed that they’ve said in regards to regrets, it’s probably good to pay attention to. So we get clarity on what we want. Vision is the number one thing first, right? Like you got to get clear on what you want, what your values are. Here’s the key. Oh Jon, we have to become the person to create the outcome. We have to become the person. So when I’m working with someone, I’m like, hey, you’re working with me. Then you’re signing up for change and transformation.

[00:28:30] Chris Yonker: I know a lot of people use those terms, but I like, you’re going to become not me. And that’s the only way we can get you there because who you’ve been up till now has been your problem. Not all the way around but part of you for sure. And then so then that tied into two areas. It’s the mindset side. I’m got to rewire my philosophy and then I’ve got to apply strategy to that, but they have to work together. And what I find a lot of times the coaches like, well you just got, why didn’t you do it? Well I’ll be your accountability guy. Like come on, give me a fricking break. Cause I think to me it’s like I got the emergency brake on and I’m driving the car and we just got to push through it just drive harder. It’s like take the dam break off, let’s find out where the resistances are and remove the fricking resistance. Then it just comes in naturally. That’s a sense of water. While I like to work, I’m like, Hey, let’s find a way not to have to breakthrough something. Let’s create a higher level of power by allowing it to happen to become the person to generate the outcomes and become the person where like, you know, hey, I mean some people are like, well, how can you drink so much water? I mean, I drink five liters of water a day. I’ve wired myself to be the person that drink the water. How do you eat so clean? Most of the time? wired, you know, wired myself, do that. It was intentional. Those are strategies. But I, my belief though is that I, I’m an athletic person. I still study karate during the 30, 30 something years now. Like I want my body like going into my fifties I want to have the best shape my, my goal is to be the best shape of my life.

[00:29:58] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:29:58] Chris Yonker: Right? But those are that these are philosophies, right? I can apply the strategy, but I better own the philosophy first. Otherwise they’re not gonna. It’s not gonna work. And I find that not all folks, but a lot of folks, they don’t, they don’t create from that behavior change because they don’t become the person who generate the outcome.

[00:30:13] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:30:14] Chris Yonker: Well that’s not who I am. That’s bullshit. You decided you’re that person a long time ago and that’s your fricking problem. You’re blocked in that paradigm.

[00:30:22] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:30:22] Chris Yonker: I used to be a person who didn’t smile, face me, a person who wouldn’t talk to strangers cause I didn’t love and believe in myself. So of course I didn’t act that way. So I’m totally different than I was 20 years, 30 years ago. People wouldn’t even realize I might look the same, but I’m not the same person. That helps?

[00:30:39] Jon Vroman: Yeah, it’s great. It’s, I’m just looking at the clock and then thinking of the seven questions I want to ask [laughing] the follow up on that. How about some questions that men should be asking themselves. Fathers be asking themselves.

[00:30:52] Chris Yonker: Yeah. Okay. I think that’s great. So I think of a couple of things to think about. One is, what’s your belief or frame about what it means to be a dad? What’s your belief or frame, in regards to what it means to be a husband? A good exercise would might be to sit down and figure out what are your top three or four values? What’s your spouse’s top three or four values? What’s your vision for yourself personally? What’s your wives like? I love that you guys went to a retreat. What’s your wife’s vision for herself first? What are her values? Where are we aligned? Where are we misaligned? I have a personal vision statement, family vision statement, business vision statement, and there are, there’s alignment there, right? And so I navigate and make choices consciously based upon is this aligned with the vision we want or not? Does it make sense to do this? If the answer is no, then don’t freaking do it. It should be a guidepost of like, you know. Saying somethings is going to end up chasing things or doing things out of fear or response. But as a parent, I think the other thing I just ask is like how conscious, like if you say you value your time with your family, which a lot of guys will say, then what I’ll typically do is I’ll have them do an audit.

[00:32:04] Chris Yonker: So what I want to do is I want to go back in your calendar, look at the last 90 days and I want to know exactly how much time you spent with your family. I want to know, how much you know also where you’re investing your money because like your time and your money are the things that we, we have to invest. We should be investing in correlation to what we say we value. A lot of people don’t. Why not? I don’t know. But I do know they’ve created a, a situation where where they don’t do that. And then are you present? And then the last question I asked is how often are you present? When I’m working with folks, I get the model like business owners were always thinking about ahead, the vision, where we’re going, the strategy, excitement of what’s happening, our minds in the future. And then sometimes we’re thinking about the past, what happened, what occurred? What did we learn from? What can we do?
[00:32:41] Chris Yonker: And the passion not be a storehouse for pain by the way. Basically place where we learn things, remember it. But the point is like future and past don’t exist, but we spend so much fricking time there and when we’re looking to engage with a child, we’re looking to engage with our spouse. Take your freaking phone and get freaking out of there. Doesn’t belong. I suggest, hey, get family dinners together. In our charter, it’s five nights a week, minimum family dinner. No electronics. Sitting there and interacting and having conversations.

[00:33:15] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:33:15] Chris Yonker: Right. Not texting each other because our connection with one another is very important in the law of self-esteem. All of these things that we’re programming, I don’t know a way to replace time with a child that’s consciously presence, right? That you’re in the moment. You’re here now, be here now. Maybe a mantra for our dad.

[00:33:36] Jon Vroman: Right.

[00:33:36] Chris Yonker: Be here now. You could be here now more often with your wife. Be here right now more often with your child. How much more connected could you be?

[00:33:44] Jon Vroman: Yeah. What do you think? Um, I know we’re coming up on the clock here, so this is a big question that maybe requires a shorter answer, but when you think about the thing that is the most challenging part of being here now, you talked about phones, because I could imagine a guy saying, yeah, that sounds great Chris. But like that’s way harder. That’s way harder to execute. Like I can see myself saying, Yep, I got it. Be here now, be present and then just,
[00:34:12] Chris Yonker: Yup.

[00:34:12] Jon Vroman: Totally wrapped up.

[00:34:13] Chris Yonker: Yup.

[00:34:12] Jon Vroman: Right?

[00:34:14] Chris Yonker: Yeah. So the quick answer to that is I get my private clients, all my clients I’m working directly with, I don’t make them do this, but I’m a huge advocate. I’m getting them to meditate because of it’s like a mind gym. If I go to the gym, like you’re not going to argue with me on doing endurance and uh, you know, doing cardio and strength training, right? Flexibility, liability, you’re getting your like you get it right. Like those are important things. What the hell do you do for your mind?

[00:34:12] Jon Vroman: Right.

[00:34:14] Chris Yonker: Who taught you how to run your mind? Minds are like constant, ongoing, chatterboxes creating fear and doubt and worry and craziness. As guys, we spend way too much time in them.

[00:34:49] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:34:49] Chris Yonker: Got to get out of our head and get her. Do you want to connect further? Get out of your head. Get out of your head. How do I do that? You know? If nothing, I’ll take you. So people are still, okay. What do I do about that? Go get a nap. That’s what you do about that. There is, headspace is a great one. Calm is also pretty good. Just get ahead. Just start. Start somewhere.

[00:35:06] Jon Vroman: Yeah. Yeah, and if anybody wants to join me, September 10th or 11th. I’m doing a 10-day silent meditation retreat.

[00:35:15] Chris Yonker: There you go.

[00:35:15] Jon Vroman: Vipassana.

[00:35:15] Chris Yonker: Oh, I know Vipassana, Oh yeah. Yup. Very familiar.

[00:35:19] Jon Vroman: Our dads have gone through it, our members in a rave about it, and I said to somebody, I said, oh, that sounds like so much fun. They go, that’s not the word I would use to describe it. [laughing]

[00:35:30] Chris Yonker: Amazing.

[00:35:31] Jon Vroman: I’ve changing, yes but,

[00:35:32] Chris Yonker: Yeah.

[00:35:32] Jon Vroman: Yeah.

[00:35:33] Chris Yonker: Very cool man.

[00:35:33] Jon Vroman: I’m asking you then, hey, a couple things. One, if guys want to connect beyond this point, and where they can find you?

[00:35:40] Chris Yonker: They can go ahead. And, uh, my website is www.chrisyonker.com my name is C,H,R, I, S, Y, O N, K, E, R. Or you can, if you wanted to email me, Chris@chrisyonker.com there’s another way to get ahold of me directly. And uh, yeah, Thank you.

[00:35:58] Jon Vroman: Awesome, you mention it earlier too you’ve got a book on Amazon. What?

[00:36:00] Chris Yonker: I do, yes, it’s called a Soul Intention. It’s on Amazon. So yeah. And I wrote the book, it says on the cover, No Fluff, uh, to be right in under 60 minutes or 90 minutes is what it says. But some folks, uh, they know. So now I wrote it cause like, you know, when I was writing a book, I’m like, Hey, you know, the biggest challenge I have with books, there’s like getting through the damn things. So I’ve tried to boil it down and make it as succinct as possible.

[00:36:26] Jon Vroman: Well, one of my favorite books for Dads is the Family Board Meeting by Jim Shields.

[00:36:31] Chris Yonker: Okay.

[00:36:31] Jon Vroman: That is like the tiniest of tiny books.

[00:36:34] Chris Yonker: There we go.

[00:36:35] Jon Vroman: The guest of biggest impacts. So tiny books man, they can be a, it could be the best cut and…

[00:36:40] Chris Yonker: Yeah write on.

[00:36:40] Jon Vroman: And thank you for writing and quick read and Chris, is there anything that needs to be said that’s been left unsaid so far?

[00:36:47] Chris Yonker: Great question. I would just suggest to the Dads out there to Love more and Think less..

[00:36:54] Jon Vroman: [inaudible] that’s great. It’s a great way to wrap up. Love more. Think less. Thank you buddy. Appreciate this. Wonderful to spend some time with you. Look forward to following your work and your impact in the world and thanks for opening up and sharing your personal and professional life with us and know that we can be a better men as a result of this conversation. So thank you man.

[00:37:14] Chris Yonker: Thanks Jon.

[00:37:15] [music]

[00:37:16] Jon Vroman: Hey guys, if you haven’t already done so, go right now to Frontrowdads.com/facebook and join the conversation that’s happening right now online. We designed this group for guys who are entrepreneurial in their thinking. They are high performing guys with low egos. We’re looking for the dads that believe in teaching their kids how to think, solve problems, and be real leaders. We’re looking for guys who believe in being family, men with businesses, not businessmen with families. We’re looking for the fathers who have great knowledge but also believe that they have so much more to learn and we’re looking for men who want to add value by sharing their wisdom and those that are willing to ask the questions that we all need and want answers to. That’s frontrowdads.com/facebook or simply go to Facebook, type in Front Row Dads and you’ll get to our group and what we put in there links to all the podcasts and videos and other resources that you can’t get access to anywhere else except for in this group. We want to give you the best ideas to help you with your marriage, balancing work and family life communication strategies with your spouse and also your children, travel ideas and even suggestions on the latest gear that would save you time and help you be more effective. We’ve got updates on upcoming events and so much more. Go right now to frontrowdads.com/facebook and join the conversation. I’ll look forward to connecting with you there.

[00:38:38] [music]

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