The Five Versions of You (And the Sixth One You Need)

You already have five versions of yourself, and according to psychologist Dr. Kelly Flanagan, you need a sixth. The five are the lover, the loner, the hider, the fighter, and the ruler. They formed early, they never go away, and they surface uninvited in the moments that matter most, usually the ones with your spouse or your kids. The sixth version, the one that has to be built on purpose, is what he calls the welcomer: the part of you that can greet all the others without letting any of them run wild.

Flanagan shared this framework at a Front Row Dads online summit. Here is the map, and what it looks like when a man actually uses it.

The five versions you already have

• The lover: the part that wants closeness and connection.
• The loner: the part that pulls away and decides it has to handle everything alone.
• The hider: the part that goes quiet, minimizes, and tries not to be seen.
• The fighter: the part that comes out swinging to protect something old.
• The ruler: the fixer. The one who arrives to tell everyone how it’s done and get things back to fine, fast.

The sixth version you have to build

Flanagan makes one point that reframes the whole thing: you cannot uncreate the selves you have created. They all come along for the ride. Growth is not about deleting the fighter or the hider, it’s about settling into a sixth version, the welcomer, that can notice a part surfacing, welcome it, and then guide it instead of being driven by it.

Why Will Smith is the clearest example

Flanagan points to the Oscars slap. In his memoir, Will Smith wrote about growing up feeling terrible that he never protected his mother from his abusive father. On that stage, a joke landed, he looked at his wife’s face, and a twelve-year-old version of him finally got his chance. Because he didn’t know that fighter was still in there, he never got to dialogue with it. There was no space between the trigger and the action.

What it looks like when it works

Flanagan tells three stories that make this concrete. A pastor about to preach panics when his district superintendent shows up unannounced, realizes it’s his six-year-old self, and invites that kid to preach alongside him. He gives the best sermon of his life. Flanagan himself gets hit with anxiety in a car to the airport, traces it to chaotic childhood family trips, and reassures his younger self until it settles.

And then the one that lands hardest. After a fight over a car charger, his wife texts that he owes their daughter an apology because he really shook her. It makes no sense to him until he realizes the shaken little girl isn’t his daughter. It’s the little girl inside his wife, who grew up with an unpredictable, abusive stepfather. Instead of walking in defensive, he walks in and says he’s sorry for how he treated her, that she deserved better, and that he’s going to try to be a safer space for her.

The question to sit with

When the people you love get upset with you, which version of you walks in the door? And what would it take to be the safest place in the room instead?

Listen to the full conversation on the podcast. It was recorded live at a Front Row Dads online summit, the kind of room we build for dads who want to win at home the same way they win at work.