The Dad’s Formula for Influence w/ Dr. Meg Meeker
Jon asked a pediatrician of thirty-five years for the formula for influence with your kids. She gave him three words.
The Question Every Dad Asks
Dr. Meg Meeker has spent thirty-five years treating kids and then telling their fathers what she sees. Her job, as she puts it, is to speak to dads on behalf of their children. So when Jon asked her for the formula, straight up, what actually works, she didn’t make it complicated. Three things. Attention, affection, acceptance. And they hold whether your kid is two, twenty-two, or fifty.
Attention
Put the phone down. Look up when they walk into the room. That’s it. It sounds small, but Meeker says that eye contact is what tells a kid you’re important, I see you, at any age.
Affection
This is the one dads get scared off of, especially once a daughter hits thirteen or fourteen and suddenly seems to want nothing to do with him. Meeker’s answer: don’t pull back. Keep touching her shoulder, her head, hug her, just not in front of people. Withdrawing affection right when she needs it most is, in her words, the worst time to do it.
Acceptance, and the Grocery Store Test
This is the section that stings. You run into someone at the store, your daughter’s standing right behind you, and you start listing her achievements. Straight A’s. Varsity as a sophomore.
“She doesn’t feel accepted. She feels like a performer.”
What Acceptance Actually Costs You
Meeker describes a father who built his entire relationship with his daughter around her swimming career. The day she quit the sport, in college, they barely had anything left to talk about. Real acceptance, she says, has to survive your kid disappointing you, not just their wins.
“If our acceptance of them is predicated on them turning out pretty much the way we envision they turn out, we’re cooked.”
If you want the whole conversation with Dr. Meg Meeker, click here. For the full list of books this community keeps recommending, including Meeker’s own Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, click here.
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