Ken Harvey on What Happens After the NFL, and Raising Sons in Your Shadow
Ken Harvey played linebacker in the NFL for eleven years. Four Pro Bowls. Then it stopped, and nobody had told him what came next.
“I don’t want to die with just having Ken Harvey, the football player, on my tombstone.”
He talked with Jon Vroman about the part of a football career that never makes the highlight reel: the identity that collapses when the game ends, the anger he had no words for, and two sons who had to become themselves in his shadow.
The son who resented football and everything it represented
Ken pushed his oldest son toward football because it was what he knew. It was not what his son wanted. The boy came to resent the sport and, along with it, much of what his father represented. They barely spoke for a couple of years.
What Ken landed on is a sentence he now offers other fathers:
“You don’t have to be a clone of me, but find what you’re good at.”
His measure of whether the parenting worked is not achievement:
“when someone meets our boys and say, you know, your boys are really nice and respectful, then they treat people well. That to me is the ultimate checkmark that we did something right.”
What nobody tells you about retiring at 33
Ken’s only goal growing up had been to reach college, partly to prove he was not dumb. He reached it, then reached the NFL, and then ran out of dream. After eleven seasons he had no plan, undervalued the gifts he did have, and drifted.
This is the part of the conversation that has nothing to do with football, and it is why the episode belongs to any man whose identity is load-bearing on one thing.
You can be the loneliest man in a crowded room
“you can be in a crowded room full of bunch of guys and be the loneliest person in the room.”
He is describing a locker room, which is the last place most people would expect a man to be lonely. Surrounded, known by name, and still with nobody to say the real thing to.
Anger is what happens when you have no words
“I’m angry because I don’t know how to say this is what I want or this is how I feel. I don’t know the words to say that.”
He traces where the words went:
“Big guy and you’re emotional, you’re soft, you’re weak.”
A large man learns early that his feelings frighten people, so he stops showing them, and the only emotion left with any permission is anger.
Banks of the river
Ken’s image for boundaries is a riverbank. You set high expectations and a strong foundation, then hold the edges rather than trying to control the water. The child still flows where they are going to flow, but the banks are there.
Paired with it is a rule he used on activities: the child chooses it, and once they sign up they give it full effort for a year. After the year, they decide whether to keep going.
“Don’t be afraid, don’t be ashamed to love on your kids.”
“if they could see anything about me, they can say, you know what, my dad loves me. And that’s what they take out of everything and they can say that, then I’ve done my job.”
Questions about Ken Harvey
How long did Ken Harvey play in the NFL?
Eleven seasons as a linebacker, drafted out of California, with time at both the Phoenix Cardinals and the Washington franchise.
What did Ken Harvey do after the NFL?
He went through a long period without a plan. His whole life had aimed at reaching college and then the league, and when football ended he had no next goal, felt lost, and undervalued what else he could do. He later reinvented himself, including co-authoring a children’s book so his sons could see characters who looked like them.
What does Ken Harvey say about life after football?
That the hardest part is not the loss of the game but the loss of the identity attached to it, and the loneliness that follows. He warns that a man can be surrounded by teammates and still have nobody he can say the real thing to.
Does Ken Harvey have children?
Yes, two sons. He talks candidly about pushing his oldest toward football, the resentment that caused, and the years they barely spoke before repairing it.
What is the banks of the river approach to parenting?
Ken’s way of describing boundaries. You set high expectations and a strong foundation and then hold the edges like riverbanks, rather than trying to control the water. Children still find their own path, but within rails that hold.
“As good or bad you think something is, it may just be a lesson you need to learn.” - Ken Harvey Share on XKen Harvey Links & Other Resources
- Ken Harvey’s Website
- Follow Ken Harvey on Instagram | LinkedIn
- Touching Heart
- Come Find Me by Ken Harvey and Terry Crews
- Stepping Stones: In the beginning was the Word by Ken Harvey
- The Me That Needs To Be by Ken Harvey
- Atomic Habits by James Clear
Ken Harvey Bio
After attending U. C. Berkeley, Ken Harvey was selected as the 12th overall pick in the first round of the 1988 NFL draft by the Arizona Cardinals. He played there six seasons before signing with the Washington Football Club in 1994. He was a 4x NFL Pro Bowler in 1997, inducted into the “The Washington Football Club Ring of Fame” and nominated five consecutive times for the NFL Hall of Fame. In 2002, Ken was nominated for the Washington Redskins’ highest accolade as one of “80 Greatest Washington Football Players.”
Ken is the author of several books and screenplays. He is currently co-authoring a children’s book with American actor, artist, and former American football player, Terry Crews.
Today, Ken is a Marketing Associate for Fellows Financial group and the Executive Director of the Touching Heart Foundation, focused on how to enlighten, excite, and educate children about how they can experience the true joy that comes from helping those in need.
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