You can’t force a child to make you their mentor. They choose, and most of us are quietly spending that choice on being right. That’s the core argument in Hold On to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, and it’s the book two dads in this community keep coming back to. John Berardi makes the case for why attachment has to come before discipline. Hal Elrod explains the one line from the book he’s kept taped to his fridge for two years: prioritize the relationship above correcting the behavior.

A child chooses who leads them

Berardi’s read on the book centers on one uncomfortable fact: you can make a kid put on clothes, and you can take things away, but you cannot make them choose you as the one they learn from.

“You can’t force a child to make you their mentor… you can’t force them to pick you as the one to be attached to and to learn from.”

Children are looking for someone to guide them through the world, and if it isn’t you, Berardi points out, they’ll look to peers, sometimes as early as nine years old. That’s why the book argues attachment has to take priority over discipline: it’s the thing that earns you the position to lead in the first place.

Leadership by example, not authority

Berardi draws a distinction between the kind of leadership that comes from making the rules and the kind that comes from a child actually choosing to follow you. Good kids who follow every rule isn’t necessarily the goal, he argues, if that compliance comes at the cost of independence, autonomy, and respect. Once a kid accepts you as their leader, the job shifts from instruction to gentle correction: asking what could happen, how others might feel, and guiding them to the choice rather than dictating it.

The paragraph on Hal Elrod’s fridge

Elrod pulled one paragraph out of the book two years ago and printed it out. It’s stayed on his fridge ever since:

“Always prioritize the relationship with your child above correcting their behavior.”

He’s honest about how often that’s a bite-your-tongue decision. When a moment calls for choosing between the relationship and catching a mistake, he says it’s the relationship nine times out of ten. Yelling, he points out, rarely builds a stronger bond. It diminishes the influence you’re trying to use in the first place.

The short-term compliance trap

Elrod names a trap on the other side of correction: you threaten, your kid complies, and it feels like a win. But that short-term victory can quietly cost you long-term influence if it comes at the expense of how your kid feels about you. Berardi has one honest warning for anyone picking up the book: it’s long, and the real payoff is concentrated in the last few chapters, which is exactly where the practical, usable strategies live.

Hear the full conversations:

• John Berardi’s episode: “The 3-Year Old Ninja Warrior”
• Hal Elrod’s episode: “Marriage, Parenting & Work: A Family Leader’s Guide to Success”

For the full list of books this community keeps recommending, click here.